True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
