a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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