I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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