she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
