I am spending my child support on dildos
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Randomize
