Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
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