It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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