He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
