I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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