i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
