i may or may not be watching the land before time
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
