I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I'm sobbing to NWA
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize