its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Randomize
