her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
