I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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