Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
