I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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