Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
