Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize