I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
