Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
