Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize