Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Randomize