i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Randomize
