The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
