So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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