Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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