i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
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