god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Randomize
