I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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