should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
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