I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
