this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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