She went from zero to smokin in five shots
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Randomize
