Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
