There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Randomize
