her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
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