he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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