Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
