What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Randomize
