I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
