There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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