just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
