I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
