I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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