So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize