Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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