6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
He has the fingertips of a God
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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