Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
