I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Randomize
