i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
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