I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
