So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
