So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
