pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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