we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
