Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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