I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Just puked most of my soul out..
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
