so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
