Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
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