Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
