overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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