I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
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