Soap is not a condiment
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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