I smell stomach acid.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Randomize
