My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Randomize