Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
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